A day in her diary...
February 22, 2019 - Sopela Beach, Spain
I have found myself in various stages in life. I have felt lonely or too crowded mentally and physically. I have been poor to the core and I have been financially steady. I have been hopeless, I have felt helpless, I have felt inadequate and I have felt overly desired…
We grow up and we gain numerous experiences, good and bad. Quite often, we get the chance to relive the pain or happiness of the past. However, instead of feeling stronger and wiser, we become more fearful and sensitive. Instead of feeling more equipped, more capable, more knowledgeable, and closer to invincible, we head the opposite direction.
How is it that when we are younger we have all this courage to live, experience, and encounter the unknown? We don’t waste that much time thinking, we just act. We don’t spend time mapping out all the possible dangers or threats, we just embark on a journey to the unknown. This unknown can be positive or negative, but we don’t really care, we are just ready to witness it with every single one of our senses! We claim that we are ready, even when we are not. And just because we convince ourselves and the people around us that we are ready, we thrive through danger, inexperience, and we face fear fearlessly.
Then we grow up. We become adults, we become parents, we become older siblings and that fire and desire to reach for the stars slowly disappears. We lack enthusiasm, excitement, curiosity, and the desire to rebel and question facts. A truth is only true until its proven false. There are so many facts, rules, and ideas that we follow that have lost their originality, authenticity, and validity because we live in a quickly evolving and changing society.
We know this. We are familiar with more situations, we have learned, we have coped, we have overcame, we have built our knowledge and instead of being excited to see more…we close up, we are scared. We are aware of all the things that we need to do to better our lives. We are cognizant of the people, situations, and habits that block our blessings and blur our vision, but yet we hold on to them out of comfort or once again fear. We don’t want to settle, but we are afraid of change, starting over and we lack faith. We have felt so much pain that hoping is seen as an act of deceit.
I know this, myself, but right now I am scared. I feel vulnerable. I am lost…
What am I scared of? I am scared of pain, but not all types of pain just one, the one related to my heart getting broken again. The one related to planning a future with someone and then having to convince yourself that you don’t want that future anymore. The pain that’s related to being in denial and purposely lying to yourself claiming that you are okay, just so you can keep going, just so won’t quit.
And I question myself – What happened to me? There’s no trial I cannot overcome. There is no injury, no business challenge, no family problem that was ever able to hold me back, slow me down or discourage me for this long, but this time my heart is hurting. I am scared. I know I will overcome this, I know there are so many beautiful souls out there. I know that I am worth it.
I just wanted to get this burden off of me and share it with you. So, you know that you are adequate, beautiful, handsome, smart, capable, and most of all worthy of being loved unconditionally. You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. This is just a phase and a period of learning; a lesson that will only turn out to be a blessing. Believe it. You are not alone, you are not the only one, but there is also NO ONE LIKE YOU!
So, let this be a reminder that you should take the time to love yourself first and then be very picky with whom you give the chance and time to love you.
Love yourself first, so you will not fall in love with the wrong person and get your heart broken or break the heart of someone who loves you….